Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *