Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
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[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Last-minute gift idea!
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.