Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
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me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
technique
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I put the mess in domestic.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it