Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
You Might Also Like
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Received some very disappointing news today
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early