Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
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Self-cleaning conscience
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Very good! 👍😂
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.