Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
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Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Education is vital
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.