always be there
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On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
it’s finally my moment to shine
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Story of my life…..
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.