always be there
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UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.