always be there
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Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
For those that worship cheese..
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Me too
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!