always be there
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” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach