Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
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What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
“What?”
– Jude
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me