Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
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How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
The cycle continues
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
No one:
London landlords:
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.