Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
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My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
asking santa clause for nudes
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.