Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

Dog: You’re back!

Me: Yes

Dog: I missed you so much!

Me: Aww, that’s sweet

Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness

Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute

Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit