Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

Me when I try to be useful

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

Lube but for my dry humor.

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

I’m so full I could puke a horse

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me