Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

Creative Problem Solving

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

How to lose a drone in 10 minutes

-a memoir by my husband and 7yo

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.