Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
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Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.