Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

Howl 😭

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there