Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

ouch

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*

Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

repaired

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.