Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
You Might Also Like
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Unimpressed
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.