“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
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Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean