“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
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The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
🤣🤣💀
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*