“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
You Might Also Like
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.