Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

Why do the French eat snails?

Because they don’t like fast food.

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.