“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
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I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
multitasking lunch
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
