Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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2022: I can fix it
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!