Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
i don’t want to go into the new year on bad terms with anyone. if i hate you please die by january 1st
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
For the orator and chef in all of us
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!