Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?