Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
You Might Also Like
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
u guys got any snacks onboard here
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature