Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
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Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.