Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
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I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Stop sending me this shit.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”