Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
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I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]