Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
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HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I think the cat got the dog high.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
oh shit
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.