Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
