always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
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My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Creepy-crawlies
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I might give this a try 😏
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
murder on the timeline
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.