always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
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If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.