Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
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The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.