Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
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Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.