Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
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My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?