Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
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Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Note to self: always read the final line
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.