Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
You Might Also Like
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?