Always.
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I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.