Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

? 💀

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

phew

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.