Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

Pro tip for my good boys out there

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.