Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

In Canada they just call them geese

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am

This is my brand.

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.