Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.