Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

Bartenders are just boneless bars

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

“Seize the day!”

No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.

Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked