Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
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[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut