Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
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dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great