Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

the worm is coming from inside the brain

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

*puts cutlery down*

Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”