Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
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Feels
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will