Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
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There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way