Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
You Might Also Like
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage