Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

her: aww you’re a cat dad!!

me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings

her: oh-

me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds

her: i… um…

me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies

her: yay!!!

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

new wife guy just dropped

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

💻🤡

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.