Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
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I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
#NeverForget
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.