Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is