Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.