Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
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requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
my first day as a raccoon
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!