Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

I got soap in my shower beer again.

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”