Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
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Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I’M CRYINGGG
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Breaking news:
how high up are we talkin’?
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
more water
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?