Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
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Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Encore…
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
i’m gonna allow it
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.