Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
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YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Coffee is ready.
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“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
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i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.