Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Split the bill
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
