Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

Passwords are more important than ever.

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.