Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
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HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.