Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!

Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.