Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
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In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
they finally got him. they got macavity
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
😭😭
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
“Sheer Arrogance”
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.