Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
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The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school