“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
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Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
i really liked this one
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
