“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
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Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
necessity is the mother of invention
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
craving $300 all of a sudden
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones