Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

Rooting for the overdog

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.

Baking is just science you can eat.

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.