Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
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I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?
3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.
Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.