Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

I love it all

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.