Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
You Might Also Like
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.