Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
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Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.