Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
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Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Anyone really
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.