Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
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People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.