Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

My daily affirmation

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.