always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
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You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.