always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
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Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.