Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

how it started vs how it ended

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

I might give this a try 😏

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough