always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
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[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Welcome to the stomach
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Beware…..
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
