Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
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I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Jupiter
Saw your ex at the shops
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
what could possibly go wrong?
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?