Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
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Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
If only
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.