Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
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My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
📽️movie date🎞️
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?