Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

HR said no more nunchucks.

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

I’m having an out of money experience.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.