Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt