Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

Good morning

Please keep my family in your thoughts. Our microwave broke, and we have to wait an hour for a baked potato.

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

What

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.