Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
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My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
A comic by Dan Piraro
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
This is amazing.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …