Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.