“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
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jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
