“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
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[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.