“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
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*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”