@Darlainky

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

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@ruraljules

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

@ieatanddrink

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

@ThatMummyLife

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

@Parentpains

Some of you change your avi like I change my underwear. Every three days.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

@BoomBoomBetty

I hope your TARDIS cookie jars often disappear from your kitchen counters. When they reappear they have a new variety of cookie in them and you just accept it because it seems like a good time for a new cookie.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old was counting on her fingers in the other room.

She finished at 9.

I am concerned on so many levels right now.

@Reverend_Scott

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER