Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
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Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Some of you change your avi like I change my underwear. Every three days.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I hope your TARDIS cookie jars often disappear from your kitchen counters. When they reappear they have a new variety of cookie in them and you just accept it because it seems like a good time for a new cookie.
My 3-year-old was counting on her fingers in the other room.
She finished at 9.
I am concerned on so many levels right now.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
I haven’t even given you my order yet
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER