Always leave the cult better than you found it.
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Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you