Always leave the cult better than you found it.
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Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I am, perchance
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you